Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Mermaid

"I must be a mermaid.  I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living."- Anais Nin


This quote is at the top of mind as I transition back in to living in the U.S.  I have to say my greatest fear in life is to live with out depth, intention and awareness.  This is quite possibly the worst thing that could happen - to lead a shallow life.

I reflect on all the memories and experiences that awakened much of the inner mermaid in me during my time in Nicaragua.  Not only the connection with the ocean, but the interaction with raw nature, living simply and with out excess, my personal growth and reflection, as well as all the deep interactions with many people.  I was literally a fish out of water when I arrived and some how I've linked the two worlds to feel more like I belong on land and in water.  The challenges I faced forced me to grow and dig a bit deeper.  There is a sense of accomplishment in realizing that I was the happiest(and still am) living in Nicaragua with out all the amenities that I once thought were necessary.  The daily adventures and challenges kept me engaged, alive, and aware.   Even after two years in Nica, life was unpredictable.   Every day held something new and I realize that is how I want to live from here on out.

I will not let myself be complacent.  Impermanence is a word that has also come up lately.  My time in Nica had an expiration date, but then again doesn't everything?  Not all relationships, jobs, life challenges are meant to last and isn't that what makes life so interesting?  and unpredictable? and impermanent?  the one thing that we can rely on is change.  But we owe it to impermanence for helping us grow because each time we make an adjustment we are thrust in to that space of the unknown where we must dig inside to get ourselves through. And although it sometimes is scary or painful, doesn't it always reward us with enlightenment and a lesson learned when we come out on top?  It's powerful stuff. (one of my Peace Crops theme songs)

Although I was not 100% ready to leave Nicaragua I know that I was getting really comfortable in my lifestyle and work.  Not that I would have ever felt complacent, but I am inviting the next step and challenge to make sure that I keep growing as I go forward.  I also know now that the lifestyle I had in Nica is something I want to mesh in to my future.  Grad School will challenge me in different ways and one of them will be to not loose sight of all that I have grasped during my time abroad.  My feelings about the ocean, the people I met, and the Nica culture will never change and I intend to push to keep those feelings strong and cherish their impact.

My journey ahead may have a more practical set up in comparison to the Peace Corps, but I will push myself out of my comfort zone every chance I get.  I will also make it back to the all so familiar Latin American scene come my study abroad in Guadalajara, Mexico and internship in South America to challenge myself in completely different ways.

As I transition I see many differences in values between Nicaragua and the U.S. , which makes me appreciate and also frustrated with our country.  This is where I want to be aware.  To not fall in to the typical work, eat, work out and sleep routine that we all have seen too often.  I will not become a part of the rat race and can say after my experience in Nica that this goal is very doable.  In fact you just have to manifest it for yourself.  I met individuals who made their dreams of starting an eco-lodge and NGO to rebuild an impoverished community a reality.  They have been truly inspiring along with many others.

I see how quickly we race around in the U.S. and judge ourselves if not every second is productive.  I do the same, but have gotten better at just soaking up the present, whatever it may hold.  When I head out to surf, I say," that every day on the water is a good day", waves or no waves.  Obviously I'd like to catch a wave, but what about just sitting on my board past the break soaking in the scenery?  Maybe in my previous life I wouldn't have thought that as productive.

I look at my calendar and realize the only thing I have noted is the first day of classes for my International MBA Program on June 3rd and a wedding for my friend Julia in Philly on July 19th.  This freaks me out, but also gives me a wealth of excitement as this new journey unravels.  And no I probably won't be surfing or hiking volcanos with as much frequency, but the beauty of not knowing what will fill my calendar is exciting.

On Chinandega's oceans is where I met a wealth of amazing individuals who will forever be with me.  I gained myself the nick name of weekend mermaid as I would show up each weekend to surf with out fail.  I promise to make it back to this place that literally stole my heart.  I also promise to return to the ocean as much as possible to re-wet my scales and remember what makes me tick and keeps me alive.  I promise to stay aware, alive and to challenge myself do live deeper and to never approach shallow waters.

Shout out to my friend Chris for capturing my last great surf in Nica!  Chris is also the gal that did all the work to produce the Artesenia del Mar jewelry catalogue and is now continuing to work with the ladies.  Check out her work at http://designbodyandsol.wordpress.com/





**My friend Ryan gifted me this song and told me it reminded him of me a few days before I left country and I've been listening to it non-stop since. Vampire Weekend- Unbelievers reminds me of my move back the states and what the future may hold.


Saturday, May 11, 2013

Gratitude


This is what I feel as I come to the end of my service-Pure gratitude for my placement in this beautiful country in the city of Chinandega.  I am grateful for the people that have crossed my path and become key components to my experience here.

I have met amazing individuals that have helped me to re-define the meaning of living fully and whole-heartedly.  I have learned to love more freely, judge my self a little less, and define a good day as having a personal connection whether it be with myself or someone else.  This place and the people I have become close with(Nicas, Volunteers, and ex-pats) have forever changed me, and I am grateful for that.  I still love the great outdoors and the ocean, but with a greater intensity and appreciation than ever.  I feel I have become a more pure, uncluttered, down to earth version of the gal that left the states two years ago. 

I have immense gratitude for the counterparts and organizations that helped me to make my dream of improving the lives of Latin American women a reality. I have worked with women entrepreneurs in meeting their personal and professional goals.  I have influenced business owners, youth and educators.  I have loved many Nicaraguan people and they have changed me eternally.  I have surfed and salsa danced my heart out.  I have challenged myself in so many ways- emotionally, physically and intellectually.  I came in to this experience with an open mind and heart, to fill it up with much more than I thought I ever could.  I am so very grateful for this.

I am grateful that the people I have worked with have chosen to express their gratitude for me in various ways.  The ladies of Pro Mujer put on a house party with loud salsa music, friend chicken, soda and a gift of a turtle statue: I only like the first of those four things, but I’m so grateful!  I love that this is how they show me how grateful they were for my two years of working closely with them. 

Regret is not a word I like to use, mainly because I don’t believe it exists; it’s simply an unhealthy form of dwelling in the past.  Everything happens for a reason and you learn from it.  As I reflect back on my service and begin to put on paper what these 2 years meant, I contemplate if there is anything that I have left undone, but there isn’t.  I am grateful for every ounce of sadness, discomfort, rejection, joy, accomplishment and triumph I experienced.  Because the harder times help me to grow and realize just how grateful I am for all the wonderful things in my life.

I am grateful to have experienced living in a developing country and realize just how great we have it in the U.S. and where our values could be considered out of whack. I can say I truly have loved living here and I’m hesitant to re-immerse myself in the first world, but I’m grateful that I have that opportunity to do so if I chose.  I can’t tell you how many Nicaraguans have asked me to take them with me to the U.S., jokingly, but with all seriousness.

I am grateful that the stars aligned and I will be studying at the University of South Carolina in an internationally focused MBA program that fits me perfectly.  I’m grateful that I will be traveling back to Latin America with in nine months as I continue to study and feed my craving to travel.  I’m grateful that my position with Peace Corps and my past experiences has helped me to obtain a scholarship in the process.

I am grateful for all the friends and family back home who have supported me and even made their way down to see my life in Nicaragua.  I am grateful that you all have taken an interest in what I chose to do with my life for two years here in Nicaragua.  Thank you.

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